How Not to Be in a Band

Everyone, without fail, has at some point said "Ooh! I wanna learn how to play guitar!" or "Yeah, we're starting a band." And those are both admirable goals. They are not admirable pipe-dreams. The distance between posing in front of a mirror with a guitar and anything beyond that takes work. A lot of work. Only it's worse than work because you don't get paid for it. And you don't get days off. And you have to work with shitheads. Even if your coworkers are your best friends, they will become shitheads at some point. You will also become a shithead. Musicians are shitheads.

After 15 years and almost as many bands that either didn't make it anywhere or didn't make it anywhere with delusions of grandeur, I've learned quite a few things that do not work.

1. Drugs 

 First of all, they don't make you more creative. They just make you less aware of how spectacularly you suck.

Here is how the formula is supposed to go: 1. Platinum record. 2. Crippling chemical dependency. 3. Rehab followed by glorious reunion tour to bilk aging fans and their aging mullets and desperate need to cling to their faded youth and distract themselves from the encroaching embrace of death.

Here is how the formula really goes. 1. Crippling chemical dependency. 2. Break-up. 3. Remaining non-junkie members either move on to new projects or throw in the towel.

I'm not saying every musician will experience this first- or second-hand in their career. But I can say that every musician I've ever worked with or met has had this happen to them to some extent. It may not always mean the death of the project, but it at least becomes a nightmare for the band members that aren't out pawning the PA to buy bathtub speed from the local meth nazis.

Which is all tragic and sad and you know what? Fuck him. Fuck that guy forever. I've been that guy. After getting clean I've been around that guy several times. That guy deserves no sympathy. Not because addiction isn't a horrible, misunderstood disease, but because the guys that AREN'T wasting their lives and talents have to suffer for it. When the star guitarist decides to blow off a show to continue his coke bender with his stripper friend, guess who gets yelled at? When the singer can't make it to the studio that the band spent the last of their savings reserving, because he was arrested for urinating on a police car, guess who gets to scrounge money for a new session?

A band can only function by consensus. Sure, some members will contribute more than others, and some members will get more recognition and opportunities than others. And those things will not always happen in a fair way. But that's life. It sucks that while everyone may scream for the guitarist and ignore the bassist that hauled all the gear, booked the show, set up the amps and wrote the songs, but there is only so much to be done about that.

However. When one member's actions have a negative impact on everyone in the band except for that member, then it's time to get him away from the equipment and toward a 12-step meeting.

Musical Illiteracy

Learning theory will not strangle your creativity, you lazy bitch. It will make every real musician that has the misfortune of working with you want to strangle you on a daily basis, though.

If there is any justice in this world, then the fuckwit that first uttered the words "I don't need to learn theory. Rules inhibit my creativity." was crushed to death by a crate of Mel Bay primers. That approach to music has been responsible for more wasted time and more stifled creativity than the Catholic church and bad parenting combined.

And theory is not hard! That's the frustrating thing. If you graduated fucking third grade then you have the capacity to learn enough theory to get by in 99.9% of the bands out there. And because of your refusal to do so some guitarist somewhere, right now, is fantasizing about shoving his headstock up your butthole after you made him explain what a C chord is for the third time this month.

This kind of mentality turns band practice, which should be a fun activity, into a tedious timesink where every single song, no matter how simple, has to be explained measure by measure and note by note to the one stubborn idiot that refuses to learn what a scale is because of his bullshit justification that it will somehow inhibit him in writing his terrible songs.

And his terrible-ass, 'creative'-ass, repetitive-ass songs? They're all in A or E minor. Every goddamn time.

Folk Music

This may be more of a regional phenomenon, but I'm including it because I want to.

Quick, name your five favorite folk musicians! If you stopped and said, 'uh,' after Bob Dylan, then congratulations! You are not cancer!

Nobody gives a shit about folk music except other folk musicians and old hippies. This is a fact.

So, unless you want to spend your entire career wondering why your backing band hates you, then do not aspire to be a 'singer-songwriter.' Calling yourself a 'singer-songwriter' is like calling yourself the Virtual Boy of music.

I have never, NEVER seen a performer in any other genre of music tune their instrument down, CAPO it the entire time, and then tell the band standing behind you that you're in C regardless of what key the song is really in! Learn to play your goddamn instrument, you fucking patchouli-funk tumor!

Again, the following doesn't apply to EVERY folk musician, just the vast, overwhelming majority.. So much so that you'd have a better chance at a music career by opening a shop that specializes in cassette tapes. Folk musicians can't keep count. Universal law. The chorus WILL speed up. They WILL drop or skip a 16th note when changing chords. They WILL lie about what key they're playing in. They WILL rearrange the song structure in the middle of a performance without telling anyone else. And they WILL refuse to take advice or pointers on how to improve. Which leads me to my next point...

Self-Importance

As I said earlier, a band can only function by consensus. To make that happen there are three things that will always always be more valuable than skill, talent or aptitude: humility, integrity, and an ability to take criticism.

Humility is difficult for artists. It seems like the same drive to create, to paint reality's reflection in the language of emotions, to hear in color and think in poetry, are part and parcel with towering insecurity, self-righteousness, and an unreasonable sense of self importance.

Integrity is another hard one to come by. And not just in the sense that 'I'll have a song written by Friday' is an iffy wager if the creativity just isn't there. A musician's natural enemy, 9 times out of ten, is other musicians. This leads to a nonsensical competition for dominance and credibility, which leads to all kinds or erroneous, misleading and untrue things being said. Things like "Yeah, we were second stage at Ozzfest a few years ago (In the crowd) " or "Yeah, you guys open for us and we'll split the money down the middle (of one band member share)."

Criticism strikes at the very heart of a musician. Too often he is unable to distinguish between someone saying "I think it goes to G in the chorus," and someone saying "You're a worthless guitarist and a filthy, herpes riddled drunk!"

So these skills need to be developed. Which is possible. If you find yourself disagreeing with the three or four other people in your band, then just go along with it. Screaming, making demands, setting rules or arguing from authority may win the argument in the short term, but the bad blood and ill-will that will build up will never be worth it in the long run. Especially when one of them, seemingly out of the blue, says "Hey, I'm joining that other band that isn't nearly as good as us because the singer isn't a towering bag of rancid assholes that vetoes all of my ideas."

It can be very easy to feel threatened. If some guys you meet locally start talking about all of the great breaks they've been having recently, don't see that as a personal attack. The fact is that they're probably not intending to lord their success over you, they're just really excited about it. It would be in both of your interests to support each other, instead of seeing each other as competition. Simple division of labor. You can accomplish more by pooling your resources and working together than by pretending to work together while constantly trying to rip off or one-up each other. In the end you'll only be hurting your own reputation, which can mean future problems will be even harder to get out of since no one trusts you.

When someone criticizes your playing, please remember that they're not criticizing YOU. If someone points something out, at least have the decency to take an honest look at what you're doing. If you can't figure out what you're doing wrong, ask for an explanation. Maybe they're saying G, but meaning Gm. Maybe you really are hitting the change early. Maybe you are speeding the verse up. Someone reacting to these situations like they're being attacked will be way more less likely to examine their part, and way more likely to blame the person offering the criticism.

Of course, none of this means to be a doormat, or to silently agree to bad decisions, or to accept unfair criticism. The line between confidence and arrogance, and the line between assertive and aggressive, are not fine lines. They're big and bold and wide. The best method I've found is to take a step back, calm down, and look as objectively as I can at the situation and see if my actions and behavior is justified, if it's possible I'm trying to force my will on the group, or if I'm making an axiomatic argument to avoid looking at what I'm doing.

Next: Why practice is bad, how to win friends and influence people, and when to dump your girlfriend