How Not to be in a Band (Pt. 2)

Alright, so I went to the trouble of adding, uh, ads to this thing, so I guess that means I should try to finish something on occasion.

Here are some more things that don't work.

Practice

Don't ever practice your instrument. That's a sure way to fail.

Is what I'm not saying. Practice is critical. What I mean is don't let practice put you in a box. I've been in and known a few excellent bands that never played a single show because they didn't think they were ready. And I've known exactly a million guitarists that never even joined a band despite being better than other local guitarists by several orders of magnitude.

For whatever reason, some bands develop a "we're not ready yet" mentality. And the 'yet' in that statement will never, ever be now. "We need more practice." "We need more material." "We need to fine tune the original songs." "We need better gear." After a while they start becoming excuses. And shortly after that members of the band lose interest.

Every musician has had a show that sucked complete balls. It doesn't matter how much you prepare. Not all of those angles can be covered. A string will break in the middle of a solo. A drunk will  trip over a power cord. A bandmate will blank out on a part. And the absolute best way to learn these things is in front of an audience. Think back to the last time you did something right, like you were really proud of yourself for doing it. Now, think back to something you completely fucked up, something pants-wettingly embarrassing. Now, which one of those did you learn more from?

The "we're not ready" mentality usually arises from somehow having one or more Eddie van Bedrooms in the band. These are the guitar nerds. The fellows that practice eight hours a day, have no deep relationships, no social life outside of work and the three guys they've known since elementary school, but if given the chance could re-write the book on shred guitar. Except it's not that they aren't given the chance, they just aren't ever in a position for a chance to be given to them because they never take chances.

If this is you then please, please, please go down to the local guitar store with a 'musician's wanted' board and join a band. Any band. Because no matter how good you may be you will only sound as good as your worst bandmate. That lesson isn't in the "Giant Book of Ear Fucking Guitar Scales."

Don't be this guy.

The first time you picked up your instrument you sucked. You had to practice to get better. Here's the thing: once you get better, move on. I'm not saying don't spend an hour or two a day keeping your chops up and I'm definitely not saying don't rehearse adequately. But once you get to a point where it's good enough, then move on to the next thing that needs practicing, whether that's playing with other musicians, playing in front of a crowd at your cousins Halloween party, or recording a demo tape. The worst thing that can happen is you get laughed at or booed off stage. And you know what? That isn't fatal.

Most of the people in the audience won't care because they don't know shit about music. A few of them will talk shit for a while and then forget about it. The only people likely to give you grief are other musicians. And you know also what? The ones giving you the most shit are the ones that aren't on stage, because their band is too chickenshit to learn by experience.

Planning

For someone just starting out, here are a few things that may come in handy later. Especially if you're crazy poor and not very good at manipulating people.

Playing an instrument is not the job. The first time you play the main riff to your favorite song? That's not the job. That's the fun part of the job. The job is to trick someone into paying you to do it. I can play every song on the radio with my fucking elbows and you know what? No one has ever once ever given me a check ever for that skill alone.

So when you plan for something, remember: the plan should be adaptable to reality, not the other way around. Reality gives not one fuck about what you want to do.

Here's an example: I'm a metal guitarist/vocalist. Djent, death metal, grindcore, those are the types of music I want to play. But reality has yet to shower me with dollars for being able to play harmonic minor scales really fucking fast while yelling really fucking loud. Add to this the fact that I live in a small town where most metal musicians are either already in a band, or have very fucking different ideas about what metal is than me.

So what do I do? I find work. Hit the open mics and the wanted board. Eventually you'll find someone playing music that people want to hear. Sure, it's selling out, but you know what? I haven't met a single motherfucker in my life that hasn't sold out. Principles and standards and a part-time job delivering pizza only buy so much store brand lunch meat.

So when you find your American Idol wannabe, hook up with them. Assuming they don't have a band, go out and find one. Eventually you may even get to the point where people are giving you money for doing what you're good at, even if you don't like the music. And here's the thing: Other musicians need musicians.And when it's audition time they're way more likely to call a guy they've seen perform than a name off of a tack board.

And always remember: while talent and skill may open doors, personality and attitude will walk through them. For example, I'm jobbing for a band right now that covers Sublime. I fucking hate Sublime on an almost supernatural level. But it's a job. I get up there and I smile and I dance like the fucking monkey I am, I take my cut, and I go home and work on the music I want to play with a full belly.

Normal Shit

Making a living as a musician is one of the hardest, most frustratingest things you could ever do. And one of the big reasons for this is that normal shit will always get in the way. You work a night job? Will they give you Saturday night off to play a show? If it came to it are you gonna choose tapping on the show and fucking your band over or quitting your job and starving for a few weeks? What about your kids? Your wife? They probably think this is a hobby, and maybe it is a hobby, but do the other guys in the band think the same way? If a big opportunity presents itself are you willing to leave your family to fend for themselves while you spend the next two weeks hanging out in bars for barely-livable wages?

These are the things people don't think about when they join a band. And they're the things that never seem like a big problem until they are, and then it's too late to deal with and someone is gonna get hurt.

Figure out what your priorities are. There's nothing worse than sinking years into a project only to have it fall apart because one asshole would rather hang out with his nagging bitch of a girlfriend. Make sure everyone in the band is on the same page. The worst kind of communication is no communication.