A Conspiracy of Conspiracies

It's so much easier to make up insane, sensationalist stories based on vague correlation and misunderstanding really fucking simple words and concepts that jounalism is expected to go extinct by 2016. According to recent studies, between most and all television news stations, politicians, and religious figures engage in this practice on a daily basis.

Having said that, here are five insane, made up, and provably stupid secrets about President Barack Satan Obama that the liberal media mysteriously isn't reporting.

1. Yeah, His Middle Name is Totally Satan

It turns out that the laughable 'Birther' conspiracy was merely a diversion to distract easily misled and sorta racist idiots from the real real truth: Obama was born in H-E-L-L!!! I know, right?

According to ancient writings that modern science claims to be unable to translate, the 44th President of the United States of America will be the Devil! And to any doubters that may wonder how people from 7,000 years ago knew enough about Christian Mythology from 1,500 years ago to apply it to the world leaders of today, I tell you this: You can't prove it's not true!

Lo, the BEAST shall be kinda good at basketball. And have large ears. Verily.

As if that weren't enough: If you rearrange the letters 'Barack Obama' you get 'Abbmrkc Oaaa,' which looks like something a demon would type!

2. He Feeds on Oil!

While the liberal media conspiracy liberal socialist liberal evil liberal agenda may try to feed you 'facts' about oil and gas production being on the increase and America becoming a net exporter of fossil fuels for the first time in 60 years, the TRUTH is that gas prices are going up. This is clearly Obama's fault for either meddling too much or meddling not enough in oil speculation and Wall Street, and also for stopping the hardworking REAL Americans working hard at TransCanada from building an exploding pipeline full of toxic chemicals across hundreds of miles of farmland until they can prove the pipe won't explode.

Like this. But with cows and cotton and...uh... wheat and shit.

And while all of that may be debatable, the REAL real truth is much, much more shocking: Obama feeds on crude oil. Not in a poetic, Road Warrior sense like he's stockpiling it for the coming apocalypse, he drinks oil. How else could you possibly explain the price of unleaded going up like 50 cents? Is Obama secretly a giant fire monster from beyond the stars? I don't know. I'm just asking. But he totally is.

3. Obama Has NUCLEAR POWERS!

On March 11, 2011, exactly 25 years and one month and 15 days exactly after the Chernobyl disaster the Fukushima Nuclear Reactor had a meltdown following a giant-ass earthquake and tsunami. Or did it?

Let's check some facts. While many, many fat, white, rich barking heads have been trying to invent the truth of Obama's religious affiliation, the wool was pulled over the eyes of America. He is not, as the average informed conservative believes, a Muslim Atheist. No, oddly enough his affiliation with Chicago's Trinity United Church of Christ is the real deal. But dig a little deeper.

Look at the word Trinity. You know what else was named Trinity? That's right. The code name for the first detonation of a nuclear device at the White Sands Proving Ground in New Mexico!

"Gasp!" I hear you say? That's nothing. Look closer: White Sands? Is anyone shocked by this word choice after white people made such a huge deal about having a President that isn't totally white? And NEW Mexico? Why, that's only one short word away from regular Mexico! And America hates Mexico! Finally, you know what comes from Japan? Godzilla movies! We were warned!

All of these "coincidences" can mean only one thing: Obama is a nuclear weapon capable of vaporizing the planet if his socialist plot to give people healthcare and not let poor people starve to death is thwarted! Behold, the picture They don't want you to see!

1. Bowing his head in 'prayer.' 2. Fucking Kaboom!

4. Obama is Really Bin Laden!

Obama's favorite movie is Casablanca. Casablanca is in Morocco, which is in North Africa. Osama bin Laden was 'killed' in Pakistan, which has a similar latitude as Morocco and is therefore the same place since there isn't a big ocean separating them.

Stay with me, this Rabbit Hole goes all the way down. Casablanca was set during World War II, which means Nazi's. The film, starring also-liberal Democrat Humphrey Bogart, followed a narrative of a man choosing between love and honor. You know what another tough choice is? Freedom and Security.

That's right. Osama bin Laden and Barack Obama are one and the same! Ask yourself: Have you ever seen them in the same room at the same time? And I'm not talking about any easily manipulated videos or photos that may exist, I mean in the same room as you with your own two eyes? A-ha! Just like Superman and Clark Kent only really evil! So more more like The Green Goblin and Norman Osborn, then.

Realizing his original identity as the most hated and feared man in the world by reactionary, semi-literate white Americans had a short shelf life, he simply allowed his original identity to be 'assassinated' and stepped full time into the role of the second most hated and feared man in the world by reactionary, semi-literate white Americans!

Finally, the most damning piece of the puzzle: Osama and Obama sound similar! The bastard thought we wouldn't notice his arrogant intellectual snobbery! Bonus also: you know what else has letters in common with Obama? OMAHA! The song released by the band Counting Crows, formed in, get this, Berkley! The third most liberal city in America! The connections just keep coming!

We're on to you, Omaha Satan Barackistan!

5. Obama Has Mind Control Powers!

Riddle me this: with Americans currently whipped into a frenzy of religious, political, and xenophobic terror by the hard-working news media, how is it that the current GOP primary could only muster the most divisive, unlikable, corrupt, hypocritical, and morally bankrupt piles of ambulatory vomit in the history of voting to challenge Obama? The only way that equation makes sense is if you include the well-documented fact of brain wizardry!

Obama is not merely an excellent public speaker with a well developed sense of humor and the unique ability to be smarter than fuck but not come across as condescending: Obama can control the minds of the majority of the opposition. Why else would full-grown humans competing for approval commit public suicide by saying the worst possible thing at the worst possible time?

Look at the list:

• Gingrich discussing the sanctity of marriage, having himself abandoned his dying wife for his mistress, who he also left when she wasn't okay with him cheating on her,  in the past.
• Romney's complete inability to say one thing that doesn't sound like a bad comedian's impression of a rich snob?
• Ron Paul's persistent use of big words and facts in the face of the most virulently religious science deniers on the planet?
• Santorum's constant, unending stream of superstitious, alienating, theocratic extremism?

That's right. These candidates were chosen by Obama himself! He knew the only possible way he could win reelection would involve having the most un-vote-forable opponent in the modern age. And the only way this could be accomplished was by his innate psychic abilities amplified by the power of the internet! He has masterminded everything!

Obama 2012: Because face it, he's less bad than the alternative.