Boys in the Hoodies

Recently, Geraldo Rivera inadvertently drew attention to a personal passion of mine. While desperately trying to defend a crazy white person with a gun who had recently killed a skinny, unarmed teenager for the crime of having a different skin color, he broached the subject of hoodies.

Now, I'm not a lawyer or a police officer or even what one would call well-informed, so I really can't comment on the legality of letting a murderer walk free from a blatant hate crime based on the murder's good word and the witnesses' story that was told to them by the police, but I can comment on the dangers of hooded sweatshirts. Here are ten facts they don't want you to know:

10. Hoodies are Fucking Parasites

I bet you didn't know that did you? That's because any real scientist that tries to report the facts is hushed up. But hoodies are indeed a parasitical life-form that may possibly be alien in origin. I say 'possibly,' but they are fucking aliens, and I can prove it.

Being infected by a hoodie causes the following symptoms:

• Furtiveness.
• Increased slang usage designed to infuriate other English speakers.
• White people saying the N-word in a non-derogatory, but still fucking unacceptable way.
• Constant references to their "hood" (coincidence?)
• Fucking tentacle monsters.

 9. Seriously: Fucking Aliens

A hoodie fully integrated with its host. The man that took this picture VANISHED.

8. They Hide in Plain Sight

Hoodies are perfectly camouflaged. They have been engineered to be unnoticeable. They also feed on cotton in the absence of a human host. That is where your socks go.

Do yourself a favor: The next time you check do your laundry, or see a pile of clothes, check it for hoodies. If you find one, ask yourself, "do I know where this came from?" If the answer is yes you are already infected!

Once you're aware of these facts, hoodies can be easily spotted for the monsters they are. It takes a keen eye and a willingness to disregard everything you think you know about reality, but the awareness you'll gain will be so worth it.

I caught this one trying to build a hoodie-web. LIKE A SPIDER!

7. Hoodies Are Immortal

Unlike the socks they eat, hoodies will always, always return to their chosen host. If you've ever noticed a hoodie missing, then it has probably only left temporarily to breed, shed it's coat, and report to the hoodie hive-mind. It will return in a period of one week to nine months, although it may look like a different hoodie.

While a hoodie's physical body can be destroyed by fire, this is only a small portion of the true hoodie projected into our reality. The true hoodie is immortal, existing on a plane of absolute madness beyond time or space. Attempting to fight it by killing its cotton shell is no different than trying to win a bar fight by cutting your opponent's fingernails.

6. There Is Only One Way To Stop Them

Just fucking with you. You're doomed if you get infected.

4. They Are Fucking PSYCHIC

While mainstream science is currently hard at work burying the evidence for telekinetic Russian spies, disappearing mind-readers, and covering up the evidence for astral projection, hoodies have so far eluded their net.

Hoodies can, and do, create false memories in their hosts brains in the, uh, hypotenuse gland[1]. As soon as a hoodie chooses a victim, it will instantly create a backstory to implant in its host's mind. You may remember buying it at Wal-Mart or Target or whatever, but in reality WAL-MART DOESN'T SELL HOODIES!

The notion that hoodies can be purchased cheaply at any department store is the Hoodie Brain God's greatest achievement. It has invaded the collective psyche of man so completely that everyone, even Wal-Mart employees, are convinced that this is where they come from.

5. What To Do If Infected

First of all, break off all contact with your friends and loved ones while there is still time. After attaching to its host, the hoodie will be in a weakened state for a period of two days to 16 years. After this gestation period it will begin to lay eggs, cunningly disguised as t-shirts that no one remembers buying but can't seem to justify throwing away.

Additionally, if you come across other infecteds, do not draw attention to the hoodies. The hoodies will be in communication with each other as soon as line-of-site is established, and if they realize that their host is attempting to betray them, then they will rip control of both hosts minds away from them and destroy the hosts in a bout of 'gang violence.'

Finally, while fleeing from the Holistic Anti-Hoodie Armada, do not, I repeat, DO NOT attempt to hide in a gated community. While the residents of such places tend to be more closed-minded and unreasonable when it comes to the facts of sentient hoodies, they are also well-armed, psychotic, drunk on fear from watching Fox News too often, and associate hoodies with Islamic terrorists, welfare fraud, and sex slavery, somehow.  Talk about crazies, right?

Watching me watching it. You Bastard.

4. What To Do If A Loved One Is Infected

Try to separate the hoodie from the host without alerting the host. "Accidentally" put it in the dumpster or donate it to charity. While this is, of course, only a temporary solution, it will slow the grafting process and possibly fend off tentacle monster-hood long enough for the Holistic Armada to manufacture a vaccine.

Additionally, do not confront the infected about their increased furtiveness or use of slang. This will cause the hoodie to react defensively, which will only lead to more furtiveness, slang, and even slouching.

If the hoodie is accompanied by sunglasses, a bandana, facial hair, or a terrible haircut, then flee. The infection is too far gone to be worth the risk.

3. How To Prevent Exposure

While there is no foolproof method for preventing hoodie infection, there are certain behaviors that hoodies find undesirable in hosts.

• Wear a scarf. While you may look like a pretentious tool, the scarf will prevent hoodies from accessing your throat, which they don't seem to like.
• Develop a Trans-Atlantic accent. Can you imagine Patrick Stewart or Anthony Hopkins wearing a hoodie? Neither can hoodies!
• Wear large hats. Cowboy hats, fedoras, scally caps, and bowlers will prevent the hoodie from directly accessing your brain. I don't know if this works, but it totally makes sense.
• Go nude whenever possible. Hoodies rely on their ability to blend in with other clothing. Oddly enough they seem to realize that a person wearing just a hoodie is more odder than someone wearing nothing at all.

3. How To Spread Awareness

First of all, arm yourself with the facts. Some people, delusional, close-minded, and irrational people, will laugh at you. Leave them to their fate. Focus on those willing to listen.

Contact your nearest Holistic Anti-Hoodie Brigade. While locating our cells may not be easy, our members can usually be easily identified.

A face you can trust.

Finally, refer people to this webpage for further information. Totally just for that and not because I just set up advertising. Also visit the ads. For information.

2. Protecting Tomorrow

Someday we as a species may be free of the Hoodie menace. But that day will not be today. Until then we must mobilize! We must fight!

Burn every hoodie you can! Force your infected friends to separate from their comfortable, affordable leech-masters! We may not be able to kill them, but we can certainly make ourselves more trouble than we're worth!

Raise awareness! Print flyers, organize meetings, confront anyone that will listen and inform them of our peril! Go door-to-door, preach it at the park, Scream it in the clothing department of your local retail store! We Can Win!

Take the planet back!

1. Moving Forward

For anyone unfamiliar with the Trayvon Martin/George Zimmerman case, please look into it. Show Seminole County and bigoted, fuckhole cops everywhere that in America we do not give racist, chickenshit child murderers a pass for claiming self defense against an unarmed teenager. Crazed, vigilante justice may work in movies, but in real life children get killed. Trayvon Martin was a kid. And he was killed for being black in a white neighborhood. Not because he was wearing a motherfucking hoodie.