We open on a slow pan of a space ship that is totally not like star wars.
Vin Diesel's voiceover informs the audience that cryosleep causes most of the brain to shut down, except for the primitive side. I'm not sure what side of the brain he's talking about, but he says that's why he's still awake. I'm not sure if this means that Vin Diesel's skull only contains enough brain to keep his vital signs on, or if he's mistaking cryosleep with something that isn't "freezing someone for transport over long distances." Of course, it could be both.
Diesel is currently in transit with 40+ civilians, one of whom is "some Arab hoodoo holy man probably on his way to New Mecca." Which is a mean way to say “Islamic fellow.”
There is also a woman that Diesel can smell, despite them both being in cryosleep, in separate sealed chambers. She smells like sweat and leather and tool-belts. So, ladies, if you really want to know how to turn your man on then definitely spend more time hanging out at a tannery.
Diesel's real problem, he informs us, is a blue-eyed devil named Mr. John who is taking Diesel back to mumble mumble by way of mumble mumble but has made the mistake of mumble mumble mumble. Diesel is plotting a cunning escape. Don't know if you picked up on that.
Just then several somethings shoot through the ship, breach the hull, and trigger the alarm. A futury computer screen informs us that the hull breach has caused the gravity to fluctuate wildly and that Capt. Mitchell, Nav Officer Greg Owens and Docking Pilot Carolyn Fry are being un-cryoed. More somethings shoot through the ship, killing the Captain.
The Nav Officer and Docking Pilot fall out of their cryopods into a comical heap, where they both immediately panic.
After some sciency sounding nonsense the docking pilot informs us that they're losing air, in case anyone watching along at home doesn't know what 'hull breach' means, or what happens when you poke a hole in a space ship while it's in outer space.
The still-panicking Nav Officer manages to get the windows open just in time to crash into a planet. Which is convenient, considering space contains mostly nothing and lots and lots and lots of things that aren't planets with what I imagine is going to be a breathable atmosphere.
After some more technobabble, Carolyn decides the best course of action is to dump the passengers in order to make a safer landing, proving that in the future everyone is an asshole. This upsets Owens. As it should.
While Owens does things to stuff to try to save everyone's ass Carolyn pulls the "Eject Humans" lever, which doesn't work. Something then breaks off of the side of the ship and smashes the front window, hopefully killing Carolyn in the rain of shattered space glass, metal, and space ship destroying heat and pressure.
It doesn't, and at this point the director decides to go 'art movie' for a minute with flash cuts to eyeballs and sepia filters and countdowns.
They crash like a motherfucker. But luckily they land on some relatively soft sand dunes and the atmosphere is indeed breathable. People begin milling around.
John, realizing his gun is missing, goes to look for it. He is then attacked by Diesel and saved by luck. He brags about this while walloping the helpless Diesel with a baton.
After a very busy sequence of finding survivors, they stumble across...someone...with a pole through his chest. He dies very noisily while dramatic music plays. I think it may be Owens. Still, it's WAAAAY too early to begin demanding sympathy for your throw-away characters, movie.
Outside, our Muslim friends wash themselves in the probably not dangerous dirt and pray to probably New Mecca, but is really just 'up.'
The toolbox-smelling lady congratulates Carolyn for saving their lives. This is obviously being done to set up some "she tried to kill you" twist later. Everyone agrees about how wonderful Carolyn is, with an almost pathetic display of gratitude.
Back in the wreck, Vin Diesel is handcuffed to a thing with a blindfold and gag. We're informed that Diesel is only dangerous to humans.
Opening an Egyptian sarcophagus(?) the survivors find that the liquor survived intact. Since bottles are known to be far more sturdy than two foot thick steel crossbeams. Hooray.
The Imam, who won't be partaking of the miracle hooch, is convinced that there is water somewhere in the desert if they can find it. Which is usually true on Earth, provided you don't die before finding it. Other planets may be different, and I'm sure this won't occur to the filmmakers.
Vin Diesel, who seems to be able to see through his blindfold and hear solid, unmoving objects behind him, dislocates his shoulders and rotates his arms in an arc of about 290 degrees to get his bonds through the conveniently cut pillar he's been chained too, he then picks up the cutting torch he magically sensed earlier. Seems like that might tear a muscle.
Outside, John finds Diesel's handcuffs.
Inside, the survivors Rambo-up with the ships supply of guns and the sarcophagus-liquor-cabinet guy's collection of priceless antique spears and tomahawks. This is to defend themselves against skull fucking on the part of Diesel.
Back outside on Planet Sepia Filter, the archeologist draws attention to the fact that there are three suns, which as every one knows requires at least a masters degree to spot. There is a short theological debate on whether this is a blessing from Allah or not. After more pointless bantering the group sets off to either find Diesel or water or both or neither.
Shifting to the part of the planet covered in a blue lens we find Diesel has picked up the survivors trail and is stalking them by the cunning strategy of following the large group of people yelling “Shut up!” at a man chanting in Arabic at the top of his lungs and throwing rocks to drive out devils.
John almost shoots Carolyn for sneaking up on him. A random child almost murders the archeologist with an attack boomerang. The point of these scenes is to establish that in the future all humans will be murderous, unlikeable psychopaths, as evidenced
Carolyn, John, and the comically out of place Muslims (Which consist of the Imam and about a dozen children,) approach what look to be trees but turn out to be an elephant-alien graveyard. The Imam points out that this is yet another thing that happens on Earth, since if half a dozen impossible things have happened in the last fifteen minutes, anyone left watching won't mind a dozen more.
Owen investigates by pointing his gun at everything except the not-well-hidden Diesel, and then getting sloshed with Carolyn on space hooch. Diesel watches from five feet away. Not even around a corner or anything. He's just standing immediately to their left like a waiter waiting for them to decide what to order. Assuming they order SKULL FUCK!
Diesel then, I swear to God, cuts Carolyn's hair with a jagged rock while she confesses to John that she tried to kill everyone on the ship and Owens died stopping her. Somehow Carolyn doesn't notice the large convict standing directly behind her smelling her hair, adding situational invisibility to Diesel's list of ill-defined superpowers.
One of the children find a toy robot from the 1950s, implying that either the aliens had Buck Rogers as well, or they're not the first humans to pass this way. They soon come upon a presumably human settlement, conveniently in the one random direction they decided to explore. The Imam proudly proclaims that there was water here, utilizing the absolute upper limit of his reasoning skills: Someone built these buildings. Those someones must have needed water. Therefore there was water here. Praise Allah!
Carolyn then yells at a dark room for a while before opening a window, while outside the Imam magically finds water in the desert by pointing at a man-made well that God obviously put there just for him.
Carolyn, after finding a model of the solar system, stumbles upon an abandoned space ship. Allahu akbar!
Back at the wreck, Archeologist, Murder Child and the lady that smells like a toolbox panic, and amid many goofy camera tricks almost kill another survivor with a pickaxe. The survivor is then immediately shot repeatedly by a different survivor mistaking the first survivor for Diesel, who watches the proceedings from the top of the ship 50 feet away, again, somehow invisible.
Back at the encampment (I'm not skipping around or anything. Every scene in the movie is about 8 seconds long,) Carolyn begins explaining how they can get the space ship working and is silenced by John, who hears gunshots.
Switching back to the wreck again, we find Shooter returning to the hole he was digging before wandering off and shooting a survivor. The hole now has a small, triangular shaft running into it from the side. This is clearly the work of burrowing space gnomes, which are just like burrowing regular gnomes only evolved on another planet. The survivor wisely crawls halfway inside the shaft and is promptly eaten.
Toolbox, Archeologist and Murder Child hear his gunshots and immediately run, assuming the shooter has 'mistaken' one of them for Diesel again.
At this point the cuts are coming so fast that Toolbox, while running in a straight line for about 50 yards, looks like a skipping CD sounds. It's like an epileptic is trying to film what a seizure feels like.
Toolbox finds Shooter's bloodstain right next to Diesel, who runs away and directly into John. Diesel is beaten badly up, again, and during the one-sided ass-stomping his welding goggles come off and we learn that Diesel is extremely photosensitive. Which is nice that they explained, since welding goggles were even more impractical than ski goggles.
Inside the wreck Carolyn interrogates Diesel by informing him that she will be playing Good Cop in this feature. Diesel mutters something that sounds like an anatomy lesson and beckons Carolyn closer.
Carolyn then comes much closer, since even though she's the smartest person here she's still an idiot, and is almost attacked by Diesel and we finally see Diesel's eyes, which appear to have cataracts that were installed by a doctor in prison.
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| This. Just two goddamn hours of this. |
Back at the hole Carolyn begins poking around in the shaft covered in the blood of the missing Shooter. She eventually comes to a larger chamber with many shafts running out that should be familiar to anyone that's ever played a video game with a dungeon. Aliens pop in and out of frame in the background and dash in front of the camera just like in every alien movie since Alien. Carolyn finds Shooter's foot and loses her flashlight, rendering her blind in the moderately well lit cave. She climbs up a shaft in an attempt to escape but, lacking the kind of higher brain functions that link cause to effect, forgets to unclip her tether and can't make it out.
Back at the shaft entrance the men bravely do nothing. After an extended flurry of flashcuts where nothing happens the survivors hack a hole into the shaft Carolyn is stuck in and pull her out.
Carolyn is almost pulled back into the cave, having still not unclipped herself. One of the survivors does it for her.
Back in the wreck John takes a stab at interrogating Diesel. John offers to let Diesel go in exchange for his help, and then shoots Diesel's chains off. Tough guy banter.
The survivors walk...somewhere. The only way to distinguish the sets is by the color of the lens filter which is now sepia in what I believe is supposed to be the blue or normal colored areas. More flash cuts of eyeballs.
Carolyn gets power back on the ship but informs the crew that they'll need to haul a lot of batteries to get enough power for take off. Outside, the anachronistic Muslim children begin emulating Diesel by wearing cargo cult welding glasses. Still, more practical and less crazy than religion, amirite? Diesel finds a pair of glasses trampled in the dirt in another blatant example of heavy-handed symbolism.
PRODUCER: "You do realize that 15% of this movie is close ups of eyeballs right?"
DIRECTOR: "Seeing things is important!"
PRODUCER: "Yeeeeeeaaaah, I think we've established that. Repeatedly."
DIRECTOR: "When you can't see things it is hard to see!"
PRODUCER: "Look, the name of the film is Pitch Black and your main gimmick is having a character with robot eyes. I think we've established that darkness will play a role in this film."
DIRECTOR: Eyeballs are what we see with!"
One of the Muslim youths sneaks into a locked building with a person-sized hole next to the door.
In another building the survivors establish that the encampment appears to have been used for geology. The survivors wonder where the original team is.
Something is not right in the locked building.
Whatever killed Shooter must have killed the geologists, points out Diesel. Everyone says fuck a lot, to remind the audience that this is all very grown up and mature. They notice that one of the children is missing.
In the locked building nameless child #3 manages to get the shutters open and is immediately swarmed by space bats. Which are like regular bats but in space. #3 panics and locks himself in a dark room where I'm sure he'll be safe.
The crew, shooting the lock and the area where #3 was standing moments ago enter the room and are swarmed by space bats that eventually leave via a pipe in the middle of the room. #3's body is found with an extreme lack of skin and eyeballs.
While the Muslims bury #3, John, Carolyn and Toolbox throw a flare down the pipe and discover a fuckton of human bones. They find the last core sample from two years ago.
Carolyn, back at the solar system model discovers that a total eclipse does occasionally happen, and given how the film has treated probability so far it will surprisingly be any minute.
In the ship, Carolyn questions the wisdom of John's plan to fuck Diesel over at the last minute. Considering Diesel has already displayed superhuman hearing, the ability to see through solid objects, turn invisible, and smell perspiration through two hermetic seals, the wisdom of even having this discussion seems questionable.
Outside of the ship, Diesel is shaving his head with engine grease and a jagged piece of metal. John exits the ship and almost throws up for some mumbled reason and admonished Diesel for having a knife.
Inside the ship, Diesel teleports in to inform Carolyn that yes, the guy with all of the cybernetic implants DID hear their conversation. He then makes some raperish comments before suggesting Carolyn ask why John is sick and leaving by opening the only door, confirming that he can, indeed, also teleport.
Cut to John shooting drugs into, yes, his eyeball. Carolyn is upset by this, as he's using the ships medical supplies, which seem to be morphine and nothing else. Turns out John isn't a cop but a bounty hunter, although why this seems to make such a huge difference at this point is unclear. Muslim children then burst in yammering in Arabic.
Stepping outside the survivors realize that the total eclipse is conveniently about to happen.
The survivors drive back to the wreck, which is either 10 yards or 10 miles away, depending on what the plot calls for, and begin grabbing things while dark begins to fall.
After nightfall the jeep they were driving dies, being solar powered. Obviously an intergalactic civilization would never have thought to install batteries or some kind of back up system in case they ever had to drive somewhere at night.
Aliens begin spewing out of the caverns by the thousands. Toolbox gets eaten for not listening to directions. Everyone else lives. Praise Allah!
Diesel takes his goggles off and we get to see the world through his eyes, which looks like too many Photoshop filters.
At this point, 15 minutes of movie and 45 minutes of padding into the film, the eclipse becomes complete, rendering the surface of the planet...PITCH BLACK. Except that we can still see things.
Next time: HORROR MIGHT HAPPEN!
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