Kids These Days

I started wondering about the different subcultures of kids these days. To the outsider they may appear as one large hive of insane fashion, contradictory rules, malformed opinions and incomprehensible everything. As it turns out, there are actually many different 'tribes' within the subculture, each with it's distinctive set of rules for fashion, behavior and music. Some of the core rules for several of these sub-subcultures are:

Death Metal

1. There’s no such thing as too greasy or oily or sweaty.
2. Chicks dig scratchy voices. Chicks dig stuffed animals. Therefore, attempt to sound like the Cookie Monster at all times for maximum chick dig-ability.
3. Melodies are for queers.
4. Stop sleeping. Dark circles under the eyes are brutal.
5. Pantera=pussy metal
6. Own every Pantera album.
7. Learn every synonym for anger, death, gore, violence and pain.
8. As a rule of thumb: the worse the sound quality, the better the band.
9. Build your vocabulary around outdated medical journals.
10. Meat is the only food group. everything else is considered a condiment.

Emo

1. Is your hair in your eyes?
2. Be random. It’s hilarious.
3. Rehearse things to insert randomly into conversation.
4. Tacos!
5. There, see how funny that was?
6. Learn to take a punch, as guys in their mid-twenties will be delivering many, many punches when they find out you’re a queer disguised as a metal head.
7. “Too small” is a phrase applicable to body jewelry, but never clothing.
8. There's never a wrong reason to threaten suicide. It will help others to understand you better and love you more.
9. Affect an air of fragility and sickliness, even if you are naturally plump and healthy.
10. Jam poetic-sounding words together when making screen names. They don't have to make sense (see rule 2.) Then everyone will see how deep you are Mr. Forgotten Eyes In An Abandoned Heart.

Scene

1. Find a crazy homeless person.
2. Dress exactly like him.
3. Never, ever, ever admit ignorance on any subject.
4. You were into them before they were famous.
5. In fact, you were in a band with their guitarist in middle school.
6. They even stole a song you wrote.
7. You wouldn’t have heard it though.
8. You're inherently better than everyone else. Make sure they're aware of this.
9. Politically, belligerently oppose whatever Jon Stewart made fun of last week.
10. A confrontationally unkempt appearance lends weight to any argument (see rules two, three and eight.)

Goth

1. Victorian-era English nobility was the epitome of fashion and comfort. Dress accordingly.
2. Anne Rice vampires are acceptable. Stephanie Meyer vampires are not.
3. Replace “I” with “Y” in all polysyllabic words: Magyck, Vampyre, dystynctyve, etc.
4. Education is sexy. Learn lots of big words.
5. Don't bother learning their meaning, just insert them into sentences haphazardly. No one will notice, they're not educated like you.
6. Act tough if anyone makes fun of your stage makeup. Be surprised later when this has the opposite of the intended effect.
7. There's no such thing as overly-dramatic.
8. Women love terrible British accents.
9. Cigarettes, particularly Cloves, qualify as a fashion accessory.
10. Only drink red wine in public, even though it makes you nauseous and giggly (leading to further nausea.)

Punk

1. Your impulses are never, ever wrong.
2. If it has more than 3 chords, it's not punk.
3. If anyone ever points out that many Sex Pistols and Misfits songs have more than 3 chords, the appropriate response is PUNCH.
4. In all things, in all ways, seek attention.
5. Claim to hate attention.
6. Use so many different drugs so frequently that it's impossible to become 'addicted' to any one of them.
7. Rule six will become flawless, unassailable logic after several months of practicing rule six.
8. Unassailable means "unable to be disproven."
9. Never, ever, ever, ever, ever let anyone ever find out about your happy, well-adjusted middle class upbringing. Ever.
10. The appropriate response to any situation is PUNCH.

Head

1. Hip-hop is the only music genre you listen to.
2. Define every artist in your library as a different genre.
3. Discussing hip-hop takes precedence over listening to hip-hop. Especially at hip-hop shows.
4. "Street" is important. Always be Street.
5. Dress like an extra from a circa-1987 rap video, that's Street.
6. If an artist attempts something new or innovative condemn them. How dare they disrespect the roots!
7. If they later become famous condemn them. You liked them when they were new and innovative!
8. You are a rapper. Even if you aren't.
9. The true measure of a Head is how wrongly he puts on a baseball cap.
10. English skills should be at college level when speaking, and second grade when writing.

Juggalo

1. Most words can be replaced with fuck, dick, pussy, bitch or shit.
2. Most other words can be replaced with words Violent J made up to finish a rhyme.
3. All words can be yelled.
4. Endeavor to be as skinny, ignorant and trailer-trashy as possible (males.)
5. Endeavor to be as fat, ignorant and trailer-trashy as possible (females.)
6. Psychopathic is the ONLY record label.
7. Well, Sub-urban Noize is acceptable.
8. You've been down with the clown since Ringmaster, even if that would make you negative two at the time.
9. It's more than terrible music! It's a terrible lifestyle, philosophy and religion!
10. Be proud of yourself: most rebellious teenagers feel like the world hates them, but for Juggalos, the world really does hate you!