Why Being a Bachelor is Awesome

Spring is in the air.

That is an absolutely fucking nonsense statement. What is meant by it is that is this: Everyone I know is busy getting into dead-end, go-nowhere dysfunctional relationships, getting out of dead-end, go-nowhere dysfunctional relationships, and then doing the exact same thing again with extra desperation.

Not being able to commit or build deep, sustainable relationships is one of the areas in life where, like atheism, I feel guilty. Not because I think I'm damaged or a bad person or anything, but because I feel like I'm privy to secret information as opposed to the truth: that I simply don't really give a shit. It seems like one of those things that, if it were to spread, would cause too much happiness. The ensuing lack of stress and bickering would be catastrophic to the world at large as people would then have no choice but to get along with each other and find hobbies and better themselves.

Anyway, here's why being unattached is awesome:

No Diapers

I'm sure being a parent is as warm and fuzzy and fulfilling and etc. as everyone makes it out to be. Like, if I ever had a kid then it would just wake up some dormant part of my psyche and I'd magically turn into a Sunday School Teaching, Little League Coaching family man.

Personally, that terrifies me.

I fucking love not having to worry about kids. And given the relationships most of the people I know have with their kids, I also love not paying child support and constantly feeling guilty about being a shitty parent, because I can't imagine I wouldn't be a shitty parent.

I love that if I'm bored at 11:00 at night on a Thursday I can just leave. I don't have to find a sitter or get permission or any of the other obstacles my parent friends always seem to be navigating. And it usually involves the following conversation:

And for anyone thinking you can balance kids and the social life you had before you had kids: No. You can't.You made your goddamn choice. You can be a parent, or you can do other things. That's the way it is. If you take an 18 year long commitment to raise a human being, then guess what? No partying for 18 years.

Of course nothing's stopping you from doing that. This is pretty obvious as I came from a generation raised in single parent homes, which seems normal now, as I'm watching the next generation being raised in their grandparent's homes.

Speaking of commitments...

 Any Crash You Walk Away From

Why anyone, ever, under any circumstances, ever gets married is beyond me. You know who has a happy marriage? NO ONE!

No one has a fucking happy marriage for more than like a year. Or if they do, then they won the lottery as far as relationships. They may seem happy, sure, but I guarantee if you put a camera in their house you'd find out that they're both trapped in a loveless, sexless sham of a relationship based around fighting, resentments, lies, and fear.

And if anyone reading this thinks different: You could have the same relationship without getting married.

It's no surprise, with our current culture of overly-romanticized fucking everything, that 99.99999% of Americans think that real relationships are like movies. They're not. If Twilight was real, then Bella would be stuck in so many rebound relationships with abusive shitheads that her face would legally qualify as Table Tennis. But every girl in America thinks that real love operates like that.

And it's not just women. Plenty of guys play along. It's like The Notebook. Both of those people were awful, awful human beings. The entire film involved the guy wrecking the girl's life, repeatedly, and the girl leaving her stable, successful, loving, understanding partner to run off with the crazy, manipulative, psychotic hermit that blackmailed her into a relationship years ago. All in the name of wuv, which forgives anything, apparently.

You know what the best kind of relationship is? A casual one. No marriage, no commitments.

Marriages do nothing but cause bad decisions to develop undead tendencies. They take something simple, like walking away from an unhealthy situation, and multiply the complicated factor by 90. And at best a marriage adds nothing to the relationship other than a pompous ceremony and legal red tape.

Add to this the fact that people change. I mean, a person is not going to be the same person at 30 that they were at 20. Not unless something went extremely wrong, developmentally.

Humans are meant to exist in groups. Not binary sets. It takes a village to raise a child, right? Well, it also takes a village to keep two people from throttling the shit out of each other for being irritating after spending every day together for the past three years.

So that's what works. At least for me. I can totally love someone and enjoy being around them for a while, but when we grow apart, or when life happens, I don't feel like this relationship has to take precedence. When it's time to move on it's time to move on. It's just a relationship. There's no magic there.

Everyone seems to feel obligated to drag their miserable, zombie relationships through hell and back, and through the town square, and through the lives of every single one of their long-suffering friends, as if it matters. And then after it finally receives the headshot it's been begging for for years, all that's been accomplished is that instead of having two normal motherfuckers, now you have to distrustful, emotionally fucked up, codependent motherfuckers that will fall immediately into the very next awful black hole of a relationship at the very next opportunity because they can no longer function as an autonomous entity.

Jesus Christ, no one cares how much you love him/her. Just walk away. Oh, but what about the kids? Well, who the fuck thought that was a good idea? Wear a condom next time, genius.

Maybe, just maybe, if you acknowledge that the shit is not working you can stop trying to force it to work and you'll both find someone else that makes you each happy. Or maybe you just might, holy shit, get to know yourself.

And then, who knows? Maybe you'll find out that you really like knitting or writing or guitar or cross-country bear antagonism. Maybe you've always been gay or really good at math. I do know one thing: as long as people are so obsessed with the bullshit concept of finding their soul-mate and becoming spawn-points they'll never invest the time in developing a relationship with the one person they should be the most concerned with.

And if that's not enough to convince anyone, here's a list:

1. Single people can watch porn any time they want to.
2. Single people can smoke and curse in their own house.
3. They can blow money on dumb shit that they like.
4. They don't have to pay attention to anyone that they don't want to.
5. They can use their toilet however they want.
6. They always get the remote.
7. They never have to check in.
8. They can hang out with their idiot friends doing things that are fun all the time! 
9. They don't worry if they're being cheated on.
10. You know how much it costs to raise kids? I don't!
11. Single people never get ignored for a video game.
12. Single people never get guilt tripped for playing video games.
13. Single people can watch porn whenever they want!
14. Single people can toss and turn all damn night! 
15. Single people can do whatever the fuck they want with their spare bedroom.
16. You know who yells accusations at single people when they stay out til 3 AM partying? NO ONE!
17. Single people don't have to pretend to like things to avoid arguments.
18. Single people can be selfish with their free time. This is a perk.
19. For singles, clothing is optional.
20. Single people may be selfish, but they're not nearly as selfish as their coupled friend that only contacts them to ask them for things, talk about their mutant kids, and complain about their relationship.
21. Single people can watch porn whenever they want!