Illiberati: Libertarianism Explained

After spending the past month researching the history of Libertarianism, and having read about 90 academic and business journal entries and watched dozens of YouTube clips on the subject I can now safely say that I completely understand a few things about Libertarianism:

• They are the one group of people more likely to get involved in a years-long verbal fistfight over the definition of a single word than atheists.
• They are the only group that rabidly disagrees with fucking everyone more than metal guitarists.
•  With the exception of a fundamentalist Christian, a Libertarian is a person most likely to condemn every other member of their group for being hopelessly misguided and wrong while simultaneously never questioning the rightness of their own stance.
• Self-ownership/self-sovereignty is the keystone of Libertarian philosophy.
• Self-ownership applies to corporate entities.
• Self-ownership does not apply to corporate entities.
• Coercion is seen as anathema to the Libertarian.
• The State is the only power capable of coercing the individual.
• Monopolistic private enterprise is capable of coercing the individual.
• No it's not, shut up! That's free contract!
• Choosing between wage slavery and starvation is coercion, not free contract.
• No, it's free contract! Coercion requires legislative power and authoritative us of force, hippie!
• Corporations buy legislators! Law enforcement is little more than private law! A coercive act undertaken by a private institution is still coercion, fascist!

Excuse me. Let me try that again.

•  The State, as a necessary evil, should be tasked solely with protecting individual liberty and defending from invasion.
• And no taxes.
• Well, alright, minimal taxes to ensure adequate defensive military strength and to protect the individual from exploitation.
• No, liberal activist judges and legislators have no place in Libertarian society! Taxed Enough Already!
• Taxes are lower now than they have been in like 60 years.
• Yeah! And we're drowning in debt! We MUST balance the budget!
• Well, raising taxes on the wealthy, corporations and taxing large churches would be a good way to do that.
• NO! TAXES ARE ILLEGAL! CUT SPENDING!
• Well, we could end military activities in the Middle East, cut subsidies for companies turning record profits, and stop funding the research of junk science like homeopathy. I mean, that would be 'less government,' right? So that is Libertarian.
• Typical misguided Liberal Democrat! We need to cut entitlements that encourage sloth and liberal policies that are draining the public purse!
• Do you mean 'liberal' in the sense of a strong social safety net and ensuring the poor have an equal opportunity to compete in the market, or 'liberal' like corporate bailouts, tax subsidies, and government sanctioned monopolization via patent and IP law, limited liability, and hierarchy enforcing legislation?
• Yes! NO LOONEY LEFTIES! OBAMANOMICS! COMMIE! DEATH PANEL!
• Look, protecting the defenseless from predatory institutions isn't activist government. It's merely protecting 'We, the People' from the tyranny, exploitative policy, and serfdom we originally revolted against. Whether that comes from the King of England or the CEO of Exxon is irrelevant!
• You liberals just want to punish success! You're just lazy! That's why you're poor! If you work hard you'll be successful too!
• Look, saying all poor people are lazy presumes that complex, abstract concepts like money and land ownership were invented before hunting and farming. The State should be responsible for protecting the individual from serfdom or outright slavery arising from that kind of fallacious, selective reasoning!
• Free Market competition will prevent that! It's called the Invisible Hand! 
• A market gamed in favor of those most able to compete via economy of scale and division of labor is not a free market! That's not an invisible hand! It's an invisible iron boot!

Sorry. I don't know why that keeps happening.

• Libertarians hold that the best form of government is small.
• Libertarians want the United States to be restored to the ideals of the Founding Fathers.
• This includes Christian Values.
• Wait, what? no it doesn't! It means a secular philosophy of non-interference, individual liberty, and inalienable human rights!
• Look, they may not have said Christian values, but they meant Christian values! You have to read between the lines!
• The lines being "Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof"?
• Exactly! It's freedom OF religion, not freedom FROM religion! Also, Federal Government needs to get out of State business!
• Well, that seems crazy, but a more decentralized government is an effective method for preventing authoritative abuses. So that's unarguably Libertarian.
• Libertarians believe that local and state governments should decide the legality of gay marriage and abortions.
• Hey! That's legislating morality! Even at the local level it is most definitely interfering with individual liberty! That'd be like establishing English as the only legally recognized language!
• Wait, English isn't the only recognized language in the USA?
• Well, yeah, if groups of people want to speak French or Spanish or Japanese or whatever that doesn't really impede on the freedom of anyone else, does it?
• They're plotting a socialist plot! Libertarians are in favor of preemptive military action!
• No they're not! They're in favor of protecting themselves only from a clear and present danger from a hostile neighbor! Not going to war in other countries based on rumor and jingoistic conspiracy mongering!

Okay. So I hope that clears everything up. Libertarianism is that.