A 'Merican Dream

"Convictions are more dangerous foes of truth than lies."-F. Nietzsche

"People are fucking stupid."-anonymous

Ever since I was a young man I've dreamed of being a super-villain. The road has not been easy. I don't know how to build a Doomsday Cannon, I can't afford a secret lair, and I only have one henchman, and she moved to a different state to go to some bourgeoisie 'school.' So she could 'learn things,' and 'get a job.' Since my only super powers involve the ability to know exactly which toothpick someone is about to take out of a toothpick container and the power to make most people feel vaguely uncomfortable around me, I thought I would have to throw in the black, pentagram-encrusted towel.

So there I was, ready to throw the old spandex outerwear, cape and mask in the dumpster and apply for a job in telemarketing or the Motor Vehicle Department when the beginning of the cunningest of cunning schemes began to hatch in my mind. At exactly late 2007 or early 2008 a movement of utter destruction began in America. It combined all the classic elements of villainy: absolute unquestioning certainty that this lunacy was commanded by the gods, a level of self-centered monomaniacal contrariness that should be impossible for humans after the age of 13, and the unbreakable constitution that only the doomed cult member can possess. Combined with a hatred and fear of science and learning, a blatant and total rejection of  self-preservation, coherent communication, rational thought and basic humanity, it was truly a sight to behold.

Formless as a fog and pervasive as a pop song, it rose; casting off the fetters of knowledge, discourse, progress and civility that had bound it for so long. It was weaponized denialism. Striking with the mindless drive of the revolting mob and the clinical callousness of a corporate takeover, America didn't stand a chance. As the prophet said, evil had come to America wrapped in a flag and carrying a cross. It called itself Tea Party.

Historically, the Tea Party was an event in American History that involved Paul Revere and White Jesus sinking the British fleets by firing Thomas Jefferson's illegitimate children out of a cannon made out of the Liberty Bell while George Washington built the White House out of the bones of brown people on the day that Moses and John the Baptist copied the Bill of Rights out of the King James Bible. Fuck you, if politicians get to invent history, then so do I. The current Tea Party aims to... actually I have no idea what the current Tea Party's agenda is. Lower taxes on the rich? Being an easy target for stand up comedians?

Probably not this.

Whatever their ultimate goal is, it didn't take a genius to see that a force this unrelentingly insane could never sustain itself. I, however, am a genius and saw hope: how my Empire of Skulls could be built upon its blackened corpse. After systematically hamstringing and/or dismantling and/or corpse-raping central and local governments through sheer audacity of will, the Tea Party, along with everyone else that doesn't control the things that make a functioning society function, would soon be too concerned with animal level survival to continue its ideological rampage. 

In the near future, having intentionally cut the strings for their own safety net: their access to cheap food, clean water, dependable energy, education, affordable healthcare and gainful employment, the American people would no longer have the capacity to work together or stand up for their rights, and the country will degenerate into what I imagine will be called The Remember-When-This-Happened-In-That-Road-Warrior-Movie Future by the toothless, syphilitic scavengers of the American Wasteland. The only commoners spared from this future, of course, will be those able-bodied and quick-witted enough to be conscripted into the Armed Forces of The Theocracy Of the Unclosing Eye of Jesus.

The good news, at least for me, is that this will save me a HUGE amount of time and money and effort. Just think, I won't have to develop a super-virus to control the population if people not only can't afford to go to the doctor, but also sincerely believe that an imaginary father figure that lives in the sky will cure their child's infected wound if they only continue praying and not making any real fucking effort to learn how to grow penicillin. I won't have to spend decades slowly building a campaign to brainwash the masses into believing I'm an incarnate god sent to liberate them if the masses first convince themselves that anyone that can read or do math or check facts or work an internet is a communist witch that feeds on miscarriages and should be sacrificed accordingly. That's a society begging for a Nefarious and Evil God King.

From there it's a simple matter of training the ignorant, diseased, malnourished masses into a suicidally vicious army while keeping a much smaller cadre of the intelligent and useful back to help run things or to attack any problems that attacking doesn't fix. Like power grids or communication networks. 

The absolute best thing about controlling an army of ignorant, hostile, xenophobic barbarians is that, as a super-villain, I would be morally obligated to not care if they die; therefore I only have to worry about results as I ransack the strongholds of the former elite, regardless of the cost in human life. I'm already practicing my anti-affirmations in the mirror every day: repeating things like "A man that cherishes ignorance is not a man," and "There is no more noble death than to die serving the greater good."

So, with that I'll leave you to stockpile water and ammo for the day everything burns. But just so you know, you will never have enough.