The Ghost of John Carpenter

Wow, this thing's still here.

John Carpenter's The Ghosts of Mars

Horror movie legend John Carpenter first made a name for himself by being responsible for the slasher movie explosion of the 80's. He did this by making Halloween, an over-rated slasher movie that tends to get a pass from critics because nerds are crybabies about it and no one wants to see three hundred misspelled comments screaming about how much better Michael Myers is than Jason Voorhies. Plus it was, somehow, marginally better than the remake and most of the sequels.

After making two good movies with The Thing and They Live and one okay movie with In the Mouth of Madness, Carpenter did not much else noteworthy. This was largely in part to Carpenter's inability to grasp the concept that self-insert action porn and creeping, otherworldly horror are not complimentary film elements. One of those things he might as well have not done was 2001's Ghosts of Mars, starring legendary N-word With Attitude Ice Cube and famous attractive person Natasha Henstridge.

The Face of Horror. No, not Clea Duvall,
the muppet-looking thing behind her.

The film opens with a slow pan on a REALLY red planet. I mean, when people call Mars the Red Planet they're usually just being poetic. This thing looks like an entire galaxies blood-clot collection was made into a giant yuck ball. The obligatory voice-over explains that rumors are spreading on Mars that something has been uncovered. The also obligatory text scroll gives us some interesting facts about Future Mars. The most prominent of these is that somehow 640,000 colonists have managed to travel from Earth to set up a society on a terraformed planet, yet still rely on rumor to convey critical information. Of course, since the rumor leaves only silence and death behind, rumors are bound to crop up.

"Space Captain! What happened to that expedition we sent to the Valley of Howling Souls?"

"Well, Space Colonel, we lost radio contact with them several weeks ago."

"Has anyone been to investigate?"

"Yessir!"

"Annnnnnd...?"

"Silence and death, sir! In that order! It appears the men lose radio contact, discover the bodies of the previous expedition, and then die themselves! We assume it is from something they found!"

"Good God, Space Captain! We can't have a rumor like this getting out!"

"...SO...I...Probably shouldn't have posted "Worried about mysterious silent deaths surrounding new discovery. Stroganoff for dinner! NOM NOM NOM!!!" as my Spacebook status?"

One other thing probably worth noting: the society is a Matriarchy. So at least it will be a welcome break from the swagger, violence, machismo, and hostility of all the male societies. That should be worth the price of admission: A progressive utopia founded on the ideals of maternal love and compassion, with the rule of law dictated by the creators of life, and not the destroyers of same. Won't that be nice when it has no fucking relevance on anything else in the movie?

Roll credits to techno music that must be some kind of retro fad in the future, as this garbage sounded dated when the movie was new. In addition to this: RED. Red clouds over red scenery containing red train tracks and the oncoming red lights of a red train. Ah! Mr. Carpenter is responsible for the music. I would bet almost a nickel that he's using the same synthesizer he wrote the Halloween theme on.

The Space Train FINALLY approaches a city of some sort and the movie proper begins with a meeting of very serious people in serious gray onesies seriously discussing rumor control after a ghost train returned on auto pilot carrying a single survivor and presumably several ghosts.

The survivor, despite being unconscious and handcuffed to her bunk on a prison transport, presumably for the entire journey, has perfect makeup and hair, clean clothes, and looks, not to put too fine a point on it, like Natasha Henstridge after three hours in makeup. In other words, not like someone that belongs anywhere near a prison transport in a sane and well-ordered society. She was also covered in an illegal chemical. Presumably not the kind that melts skin.

After being brought before the...Council? Board of Directors? Anyway, Lieutenant Tough Girl immediately asks for a lawyer and if she's being charged with a crime. Which would be totally a normal thing to ask if she was a law abiding citizen, and wasn't there in her official capacity as Space Police, the only surviving member of her team, and was discovered in a drug coma, alone, with no record of what happened, on an empty train, with no prisoner on fucking Mars. Given the situation, I would probably demand she be handcuffed, sedated and on the other side of bulletproof glass.

Apparently, while gambling, sleeping, and taking drugs that cause goofy sound effects and bad CGI, the crew ran into a storm. At this point Lieutenant Tough Girl is almost reprimanded for her blatant being-high-ness by Captain Pam Grier until she explains that it's cool, it'll wear off before we get there, I'm not even that high, chill out, I got this, man.

The prisoner they're on their way to transport is an alleged murderer and corpse-mutilator. Capt. Grier then sexually harrasses Lieutenant TG who is, as already established, on drugs. She then explains to Sergeant Jason Statham that the only way to be promoted in This Girl's Army is by fucking your superior. Sergeant Statham, being quick on the uptake, immediately flirts with his superior, who doesn't fall for it, her being the only person on any planet that can manage to be confrontationally unpleasant to be around while slightly high on drugs.

After arriving at their destination, we learn that there is no radio contact with the...I guess it's a combination prison and mining town, given that the official Space Police had to hitchhike on an ore train to get there. I mean, I'm no expert on women or government, but if I was sending a team to transport an extremely dangerous criminal, telling them to hitch a ride on a freight train like a bunch of hobos would be pretty low on my "How To Accomplish This Task" list. Also: Capt. Grier has to remind her squad to wear their breathing apparatus because it's fucking MARS out there. Capt. Grier, by the way, is wearing a leather, ankle length trench coat. If that doesn't strike you as a suicidally stupid thing to do: tie a blanket around your waist, attach several weapons to your body, put on a gas mask, go somewhere rocky, and run away from something. Also, get someone to film it so you can have a gag reel at your funeral.

The breathing apparatus, by the way, are ski goggles. I am not making that up. They convert the atmosphere to breathable air via the...uh...fuck...I don't know how they think it works. Maybe the air is only poisonous to eyeballs.

If I'm ever a prisoner being extradited via train this is exactly the team I would want to have to outwit.

The crew then remarks that there are no people outside drinking, fucking whores and spending money, which, I don't know, seem like they'd be indoor activities on a planet without a breathable atmosphere. Instead of a bustling slum, they find (dun dun DUN,) a ghost town.

Statham and Tough Girl engage in more unidirectional flirting while they make their way through every science fiction set ever: space age living habitats that look like abandoned power stations with lots and lots of exposed wiring.

After locating Ice Cube via security camera, Sgt. Statham explains that he can open the security door by magically making it fall in love with him. We don't get to see this, as they then go outside, where they notice one of the hut's lights are flickering. TG doesn't see anything wrong with this, but Statham points out that yes, there is. The hut, of course, is full of gore, shitty electronic music and sculptures made out of all the extra barbed wire the colonists had on hand after realizing what a stupid fucking thing to have on Mars barbed wire is after the 18th shipment of cattle immediately asphyxiated on arrival.

Cut to Capt. Grier, Science Officer Clea Duvall and Corporal Body Count, who find another abandoned factory full of bodies and parts of bodies. Clea Duvall immediately goes into catatonic shock with an expression of vacant, uncomprehending disappointment, although this is the same expression Clea Duvall has in every scene of every single thing Clea Duvall has ever been in.

After regrouping, Officer Duvall informs the crew that they have no radio contact with the train, which must be dozens of yards away. Sgt. Statham, meanwhile, strikes out with a security door just as badly as he has been with his CO.

Ice Cube, it turns out, was arrested for allegedly killing and mutilating many people in the fashion of the bodies they've just discovered. Oh, and his totally not ridiculous nickname is Desolation.

I don't know, if I was going to try my hand at career criminalling, I think I might pick a less conspicuous nickname than Desolation Williams. Like 'Honest Citizen' or 'Inoffensive Passerby' or 'Pleasantly Agreeable.' Desolation is just a dead giveaway. May as well name yourself Coke Mule or Murder Suspect or Unprovoked Knife Attack.

After finding a log that informed the crew of mysterious wind gusts of 60 knots, Statham manages to woo the door into spreading it's hinges for him, revealing what appears to be the same generic sci-fi set as every other set in this movie.

The prisoners, motley, lovable misfits, all, are immediately let out of their cages by the crew, since, as the only survivors of a massacre Biblical in scale, they could not possibly pose a danger to the crew.

One of the villagers, named Witlock, put herself in Space Jail voluntarily. When questioned she helpfully informed the crew that jail is the only safe place left and asked to be allowed to go back to sleep. Witlock, it seems, escaped from the neighboring village when it went apeshit by homemade weather balloon, and then immediately crash-landed in the mining town after flying directly into a windmill. FUN SCIENCE FACT: Weather balloons explode like a motherfucker when they make contact with dirt.

At 22 minutes in we FINALLY meet the lead actor, Mr. Desolation Cube. Lt. TG calls him an asshole, then tells Sgt. Statham he has a tiny dick and that he lies about it for some reason. Girl Power!

If you've ever seen Ice Cube in a movie before then you already know what character he's playing. I mean, he really only seems to have the one gear, which is basically his rap persona without the rap.

TG and Statham come across Clea Duvall, who appears to be about to kill the shit out of a door for making strange noises. She doesn't say anything, but, look, I'm sure she's a wonderful person in real life. Probably gives to charity, teaches inner city youths the importance of trust and literacy, has an great sex life, is really fucking interesting to talk to, and gives just amazing hugs. But she fucking looks and acts like she evolved from some kind of amphibian in EVERY SINGLE THING SHE'S DONE.

Statham, as the official Sergeant in charge of magical door seduction, opens the door to reveal a totally-not-an-alien-wearing-a-skin-suit, who they place in a storage unit and leave unattended, as they have to find whoever murdered all of the colonists, and they can't be expected to do that AND babysit the mute, autistic, glowing woman that hides in closets making scary noises and is also the only survivor that hasn't been locked in a cage the entire time.

Grier and TG stumble upon a Space Jeep containing a rabid colonist that's obviously infected with whatever Closet Girl has. This is made apparent when the camera shifts to first-person, as everything they see is red. Because it's Mars. Like how on Earth crazy people can only see blue or green.

The rabid jeep pilot then slits his own throat while Capt. Grier chases after another possible survivor. TG informs Statham that, before suiciding, the jeep pilot shouted out something like "Stay away! Don't open the door!" She then orders Statham to open the door, because whatever's wrong with these people couldn't possibly be communicable. Statham points out that, wait a fucking minute, maybe it is. TG reluctantly agrees.

Upon returning to the jail, they find Desolation Cube holding a knife to Clea Duvall's throat, as Corporal Unnamed decided to let Cube, the most dangerous man on the planet, out of his cage and shackles. TG nobly trades herself for Duvall, then attempts to kung fu a man named fucking Desolation fucking Williams and immediately learns why that is a dumb attempt to make.

Upon regaining consciousness, TG finds out that Desolation escaped to the clinic with Corporal Useless's shotgun.

In another rusty set of barbed wire and techno, TG finds more space cadet survivors in the middle of what appears to be the most ill-advised body modification party in the history of Mars. One of them attacks TG, who, in keeping with the strong, empowered female ethos of the film, is saved by the large male convict that just broke her nose ten minutes ago. Girl Power!

Desolation is then attacked by another space cadet, and saved by TG discharging her shotgun in their general vicinity, which would probably work, as they are known as precision weapons, who takes him into custody. The whatever that was controlling the survivors floats out of the dead host as TG and Desolation leave. Like a ghost! Get it? Like the title! You're half an hour in and already got everything you paid for! Aren't you glad you watched this movie? Everything after this will be a bonus!

TG and Desolation then have a talk where Desolation has to explain to the military police officer that while all murderers are criminals, not all criminals are murderers. It seems Desolation was attempting to rob the station only to find that everyone in the station had already been killed. Cube then points out that TG is on drugs and probably not the person to be giving lectures on the morality of corpse plunder.

Meanwhile, Statham, while searching for Capt. Probably-Tripped-Over-Her-Wildly-Impractical-Coat, stumbles upon an avant garde stage show. In a welcome break from the shitty, dated techno, we are serenaded with shitty, dated metal. Also: the mutilated girl Statham is watching is mutilating some corpses. I don't know how one grades corpse mutilation, but 'fervent abandon,' and 'obsessive dedication' spring to mind. Also 'liquify,' and 'mechanically separated.'

Statham finds Grier's head, seriously hindering the movies chances for the girl-on-girl sex scene it is in dire need of, and also a tribe of what can only be described as Dimmu Borgirs in the middle of a corpse mutilation festival.

Okay, corpse mutilation is a horrible, repulsive idea. It would not take much to make a bowel-clenchingly horrific scene with that. Think of the last funeral you went to. Now, imagine hitting that body with a hatchet for fun or whatever. See? But this movie fails to do this on an almost superhuman level. I've popped zits that were more disturbing than this scene. It's not that the possessed colonists look like LARP enthusiasts on their way to a Cradle of Filth concert. It's not that all of the gore and violence are kept at a PG-13 level. It's not that the flat, emotionless, cookie-cutter soundtrack is something you'd expect from a group of college students with too much pot and no grasp of film theory. It's not that the scene is brightly lit and very obviously not on Mars. It's not that all of the mutilation is happening to nameless figurants instead of any of the name characters we might possibly have some connection with. It's not that the entire damn film is completely devoid of anything even remotely related to horror, such as a creeping sense of dread, isolation or helplessness, inhuman evil, things coated in KY jelly, dark corridors, sinister intelligence, or limited resources. It's all of these things combined with this: The delivery. There's no build-up. No sense of dread or evil or ominousness. It's just like, hey, here is a thing made out of barbed wire. Here is a door. Here is an arm. Here is a jeep. Here is a head on a pike. here are black metal fans hitting fake bodies with machetes and yelling. Here's Jason Statham running. It's exactly as scary as a guided museum tour, and for the same reasons.

Like Ghosts of Mars, only less boring and
with better music.

If Carpenter wanted this scene to have the impact he so obviously thinks it does, then it should have been set indoors, preferably in a damp, darkly lit cave for the Yonic imagery. I mean, it's fucking Mars. It's a mining colony on fucking Mars. Mars is a frozen dustbowl. Underground would be the place to be anyway. The music should have been mournful and subdued, or at least a little creepy, not the entrance theme for the WWF wrestler that looks like your uncle. I mean, fuck, you have a platinum selling musician in the damn movie and you still chose to stick with your trusty Casio keyboard and musical tastes that are very obviously stuck in the mid-80s. The colonists, given their silly-ass get ups, should have at least been kept in the shadows, not under flood lights. It should have happened in the last half hour of the film. In fact, the whole “this is a ghost town, where the fuck are all the people” aspect should have been the entire focus for at least half of the film, not abandoned five minutes after being introduced. C'mon, you're using ski goggles for oxygen converters because you blew your budget on big name stars. You could have saved a ton of money by having just them trying to figure out what the hell happened instead of just walking to the next plot point.

Next: Will Anything Exciting Not Be Rendered Boring?