Here is a masturbatory list of why I think that is.
1. I'm Not Fucking Rain Man
Tutorial levels haven't evolved. "Bring up your menu, select ITEM, press X, select POTION, press X" and "select ATTACK to attack," still happens almost verbatim in current games, despite the fact that anyone not knowing how to operate a menu AND playing games rated, usually, E10-Mature, would have to be impossibly stupid and imaginary, and yet YOU, game developers, believe that somehow make-believe cavemen are falling out of time rifts, picking up your game, installing it on a hard drive, and navigating through character creation without knowing what buttons or words are.
Yet, at the very same time, in the very same games, you leave the explanation of the majority of the game mechanics to that dumbass on Gamefaqs. For the past three generations, you've added new game mechanics, metagames, alchemy/blacksmithing/runecrafting/moral choice systems, weather/time/hunger/stamina penalties and bonuses and god knows what else. Don't patronize us by explaining how your game is like other games, explain how it's not. I'm pretty sure things like 'broadsword=a sword that is broad,' 'HP=hit points' and 'save/load= save or load your game' are universal givens in RPGs. How about you spend your time and resources explaining whether or not identical +exp rings stack, or why the inexplicable stars next to the name of this piece of armor are there and if it means wear it.
And finally, for the love of Satan, either don't allow the tutorial to break narrative flow or give us the option to skip it. I bought your game because I want to play it, not because I like having every action for the first two hours interrupted by some condescending asshole that feels it's necessary to explain that a hard attack is an attack that is harder than a normal attack, sacrificing speed for power, watch your opponents and time your attacks when they aren't blocking, don't leave yourself open and remember, every time you think I'm finally done explaining the obvious, my twin sister Captain Obviousette will rise in my place to further talk down to you, you mouth-breathing simian, good luck with the sphere-shift-grid-ultra game mechanic that appears in about 6 hours, I'll be long gone by then and you'll have to puzzle that shit out through trial and error.
A good tutorial either asks if you want it (like most competent JRPGs,) or works with the gameplay as, for example, an unobtrusive popup (like most competent WRPGs.) The absolute worst tutorials explain the game through a series of endless, overly-verbose cutscenes that are either unskippable or worse, skippable but containing so much tertiary information regarding the plot, the game universe and your mission in it that taking the skip option fucks you over in an entirely unexpected direction. Star Ocean 3, I'm looking at you.
2. Put Your Shit in Order
Here's how an effective role playing narrative goes: You, Chopsocker the Lumberjack, are traveling home from the forest where you have spent the day jacking lumber. You come across a wounded adventurer along the path who says "Goblins!...Took my non-gender-specific but probably not gay companion...Cave...To the east...Take this...Ack! I am dead!" Taking the crude key you set off for the cave, killing wolves, slimes and probably giant spiders along the way, after first sensibly leaving a note for any other travelers along the path to send for help from the village Woodshere, because really, who runs off to fight a hoard of goblins alone to rescue a stranger at the bequest of another stranger? After slaying the goblins, probably giant spiders and definitely rats and rescuing the Slave Girl and an obscene amount of shitty weapons, she asks you to escort her to the port town of Boatshere, for which you will be well compensated when she is reunited with her family. And so on.
Here's how an effective narrative goes for game designers: "Gosh Generus, I, GenerisB, need to tell you that Empress Evilia sure has gotten the kingdom of Madeupwordia into a fix with the Madeupnouns of the kingdom of Totallynottolkienderivativetopia over the mining rights for Maguffin-ore, which they say is the bones of the dead god Ominousia, Lord of the Tertiary Plane. They say the Madeupnouns even had the Empress' daughter, WeepysidekickB, kidnapped by goblins and held in some cave in the rural province of Rusticfolkia. My sister, GenerisA sure must be tired of waiting on this loaf of bread. See Ya!"[take three steps] "Ho, Generus, and you, GenerisB! Don't run off just yet. How is your sister? Generus, as you know, when your parents, nearly dead from the pillaging of the Alsotolkienderivative's 16 years ago left you on the doorstep of I, OldguywithasecretA's doorstep 16 years ago I pledged to raise you as if you were my own. You should know that the Tertiary Plane is a realm of madness and despair, lorded over by the dead god Ominousia, where he waits for reunification of the Maguffin-ore, once used for purely religious observations but now used for mad magi-science by Empress Evilia's secret coven of Wizard Scientists, The Order Of The No Good Wizards. See Ya!" [take three more steps] "Hey watch where you're going! I know I, SpunkysidekickA, just bumped into you, but you should always keep a look out for obvious troublemakers charging blindly through the street looking behind them! See Ya!" [take another three more steps] "Gosh, Generus, I, Generis B, think that SpunkysidekickA may have stolen your coinpurse. And by coinpurse, I mean balls because you're inevitably going to turn into a moon-eyed hippie crying because you had to kill a named bad guy and ignoring the corridor of bad guy corpses you waded through to get to him when she becomes further involved with the narrative. You're hitherto unexplained Gem of Plot Device is glowing! The guards are after her! We should help her defy the established law of her and our people and kill the shit out of local authority figures in lawful execution of their duty to crown and country to help her escape the city of our birth!" And so on.
There is a lot of story in most role playing games. A lot of story, characters, characterization, culture, history. For fans of the genre, this is one of the attractions. As technology has advanced, games have gotten bigger, and with bigger games comes more fully realized worlds, characters, motivations, depth and scope. Unfortunately, some game makers don't realize that more words don't necessarily equal better understanding. I can't tell you how many times I've screamed at my TV "I get it! It's like Otherland, but longer, boring, and poorly written! It's 2000 and fucking 4! I know what emails, message boards AND online games are!! Fucking let me kill goblins you selfish fuck!!!" during the first two and a half hours of .hack Infection, in which time I watched my character accompany Captain Obvious and Captain Obviousette through one of the worst examples of Shitty Tutorial Level I've ever witnessed. Or best. Whichever.
My point is that the more information you throw at the gamer at the beginning of the game, the less the gamer will remember. If you introduce one or two NPCs, one dungeon, one town and maybe three or four ancillary characters necessary for the immediate plot I'm far far more likely to not only remember their names, but to develop an attachment to the narrative than if you feel the need to explain every fucking name character in the game, the massive political struggle, the history of the church and have me meet every fucking member of your family tree in the first 5 hours. I'm not going to remember any of that. Especially since I'm given absolutely no frame of reference for any of it. We're in the middle of a civil war. Okay, is that more important than my job as an errand boy? Because that's what I'm doing. Errand boying. Why the fuck should I care if the Captain of the Guard sided with the King's Brother, Duke Whoever of Wherever? Don't tell me all that and then send me out to fetch your groceries so I can suffer through a barter tutorial, ass.
Video games aren't movies. They aren't books. Video games are in the unique position, along with comics, of weaving a deep and engrossing epic, visually, over the period of dozens of hours. Every conversation doesn't have to play out like someone with a bad memory explaining the plot of The Watchmen. If you want me to fetch bread, fine I'll fetch bread. I have enough trust in both your skill and my judgement to believe that I didn't accidentally pick up Stockboy3: The Dark Ages. Let the plot happen when it happens.
I don't need to know every subtle nuance of the sociopolitical situation to enjoy a world. Some of the best game universes relied on the game itself, along with the player's imagination, to tell the story. Give the people that play your game enough credit to make a few logical deductions. I remember, right now, that Boletaria is the kingdom Demon's Souls takes place in, that Ostrava is really the prince and that Patches the Hyena is a shithead. What I don't remember is the name of a single location in Final Fantasy XII, whether the 13 year old boy in my party turned out to be a bad guy or not or how I, mighty stock boy Vaan, went from fetching wine to fighting undeads a continent away surrounded by sky pirates, princesses and whatever the fuck the black chick is supposed to be. Here's the kicker though: I've played FFXII more recently than Demon's Souls.
Bunny Elf? That's what she was, right? A Bunny Elf?
3. Don't Tell Me How I Feel
If you're going to kill off my best friend/girlfriend/parents/village, don't forget to give me at least one goddamn reason to care. Likewise, if I'm out saving the world from the forces of evil and wizards and probably a dragon at some point, don't forget to give me a believable motivation to do so. Finally, if you're going to give me a moral choice system then you're going to have to deliver on a couple of things: A) moral gray area, and B) believable human reactions. If I'm on a message board reading a list of appropriate responses to every choice in the game so I can unlock the best shield 30 hours from now then you did something fucking wrong. I'm not an obsessive-completionist gamer. I'm an 'I want to escape reality for a while' gamer.
Remember how big it was when Aerith died in Final Fantasy VII? So does everyone else. Especially the people who make RPGs. Also writers of creepy fanfiction. They remember so hard they try to shoehorn it into every single fucking game whether it needs it or not. Remember how big it was when your shipmates were turned to stone in Final Fantasy IX? Of course not, they were a bunch of one dimensional throw-away characters with exactly two personality traits each, one of which was 'kind of a dick.' And that's my motivation to keep fighting the good fight? Fuck you, game. Fuck you and your frilly little girl of a monkey boy.
Don't ever assume people will be attached to your characters or your story just because you say they should. In fact, do the opposite of that. Every time you assume I give a shit about your lazy writing I want you to remember that you are wrong and a bad person. And for fuck's sake, don't use 'Because," to explain things. "Because," is only an acceptable explanation when dealing with a four year old. People have been writing compelling stories with identifiable, likeable characters for centuries. There are books on the subject. Colleges offer courses in it. If you're not good at it go find someone who is.
"You are the chosen one, you must slay the Demon King," might have been enough plot for a NES game, but a Nintendo game's idea of a moral choice system was "Wilt thou help us?" "No." "But thou must! Wilt thou help us?" "No." "But thou must! Wilt thou help us?" ad infinitum. According to the nearest bookstore's fantasy/sci-fi section, moving a plot forward is not a hard thing to do. I played Tales of Symphonia until my Gamecube broke. Years later I bought another gamecube at a garage sale for exactly one reason: to play Tales of Symphonia. You know why? It had a kickass plot. And why did I give a shit? Simple, I identified with the main character. At least in the beginning. He turned into kind of a weepy bitch later, but by then there were other characters I liked more anyway. The point is, I got Lloyd. He constantly failed to see the bigger picture. Just like a real person. He tried to protect a nice old lady on the way home from school and doomed his village to slavery, leading to his exile and his obsession with revenge on the half-elves. Good intentions, blame, anger, prejudice, limited intelligence, acting on bad information; those are real shortcomings that motivate real people.
At the other end of this Belle Curve we have Final Fantasy XIII, which I played for almost three hours. And here is what I had to say, verbatim:
- Why is there a mini-map? I'm in a corridor. I've been in a corridor. There are exactly 2 directions I could possibly go.
- I really hope that's a girl. It looks, sounds and acts like a girl, but after XII it doesn't pay to assume.
- Alright, this one has that weird, skin-colored facial hair college kids always try to pass off as a beard, so he must be a boy.
- "We're the good guys!" Really? So far I've broken out of a prison transport, killed every authority figure I've come across and participated in a violent revolt against established authority for no defined reason. Forgive me for being skeptical, as this is the exact opposite of what good guys do. In fact, this is what The Joker and Harley Quinn did in Arkham Asylum.
- "Hero's don't need a plan!" Yes! a direct, frontal assault to your numerous heavily-armed, well-organized, and properly trained enemies with your ragtag team of escaped prisoners, children and terrible haircuts! They'll never suspect that! If only because it's far too stupid to possibly work.
- Hey! Five stars again! For just spamming auto-attack over and over! It was an effort, and I thank you for rewarding me for my almost-effort, Game.
- Also, thank you for explaining what the X button is in yet another tutorial, Game. This is so much easier than screaming commands at the television.
- I seriously just unlocked a trophy by watching a cut scene. I've seen screen-savers that were harder to win at than this game.
- Why is the black guy the jive-talking comedy relief? I appreciate that at least it's not another entire game of skinny, bug-eyed white teenagers being plucky, but did Square-Enix learn about black people from Michael Bay movies?
- It's nice to see that the writer's from those old Mattel and Captain Planet cartoons can still find work polluting my TV with their monochromatic, retardedly oversimplified worldview. I missed thinking like an 8 year old.
- Move forward, mash X, watch cut-scene, repeat. This isn't a game, it's a DVD menu.
My point is, I can put up with the molly-coddling tutorials, the endless fucking cutscenes of boss fights I don't get to participate in, the turn-based combat (why is that even still a thing?) but what I just cannot put up with is you expecting me to treat this corny fucking puerile fucking adolescent fucking dialogue with anything other than contempt and you not giving me a single reason not to attack the next group of soldier's bullets with my face.
Except I'm not given that choice. Which brings me to my next subtopic: Moral choice systems. Morality systems have been one of the most consistently disappointing children in RPG designers' marriage to Bigger. Like the middle child that gets worse grades than his older brother and doesn't play sports like his little sister, and is a picky eater, and probably is really the mailman's kid, but would be such a great kid if he would just DO WHAT HE'S SUPPOSED TO!
95 percent of the time a 'moral' choice comes down to one of three options. When asked to save a village from ogres, or the space station from space ogres or whatever, you'll get to select either A) save the day and ask for nothing in return because you're that guy. Fuck that guy. B) Kill the villager for even asking, rob her corpse and rape her house, because evil for evil's sake happens so often in the real world. I haven't once in my life met a rotten person that wasn't thoroughly convinced that he was one of the good guys. And finally, the only option that makes sense outside of either Sunday School for the Children of Pussies or Legion of Doom board meetings: C) Goods or monies received for services rendered. Which is so boring I don't even have a snarky little joke for it.
Occasionally a game will make me think about my next move. Very very occasionally. In fact, "parts of Dragon Age," is exactly every time. Which seems impossible, since there are so many morally gray areas in real life. You'd think applying that to a fantasy narrative would be easy. Take an ethics class. Read a newspaper. Replace the nouns with 'ogre' and 'dwarf.'
Writing the story seems like it'd be the easy part, right? Even given the added difficulty of linking reactions to actions in a nonlinear story it can't possibly be harder or more expensive than rendering the environments or balancing the stats. "If we defy the King's wishes for an open boarder, and fortify ourselves from the barbarian hoards, we gain the benefit of of superior defenses, but run the risk of having a new foe at our backs and no way to receive supplies. Not to mention the people of the next village over; We don't want to sentence them to death by barbarianing and we can't afford to take in refugees." See, right there you have like a dozen different choices, none of which are "Fuck you die now!"
4. Fucking Scene! Cut!
Game developers seem to want their games to be cinematic. Somehow, someway, they seem to forget one of the most fundamental differences between video games and movies: VIDEO GAMES ARE NOT MOVIES! I can't believe this should even be a thing on current gen hardware. Movies are not interactive. Games are not two hours long (RPGs aren't, anyway.) Action scenes in movies turn your brain off. Action scenes in games turn your brain on. Romance in movies works (sometimes.) Romance in games never works (always. MMORPG weirdos aside).
One of the things people with selective memories always remember about FFVII were the CGI cutscenes. And I'll admit, they were awesome. At the time. In 1997. When 3D meant "everything is made of cereal boxes." Back then it had the novelty of being new. Back then movie sequences and actual audio files longer than 2 seconds were the flying cars and thought activated sex-bots of today. I can tell you this: When I first played FFVII, 17-year-old me wasn't thinking "Every game should have cutscenes!" No, he was thinking "Every game should LOOK LIKE these cutscenes!" And guess what? We're there. There is absolutely no fucking reason to leave the game engine so you can show me a marginally better bloom or particle effect.
The only thing harder than getting a new idea into a video game is getting an old one out. Remember Shadow of the Colossus? God of War? From last generation? There is no excuse for you to show me a movie of an epic, live action boss fight instead of a boss fight. Remember Fallout? From 1997? The same year Final Fantasy: Cutscenes Forever was released? If you wanted more information you asked for it. When things blew up and shit got heavy it happened to you, in game. Fallout only had about three colors: cigarette ash, coffee grounds and radioactive, and a barely animated avatar for some name characters. And it was brilliant! There is no excuse to break immersion to further the plot.
You may have noticed that I've hinted around at having a problem with rolling cutscenes piling up at the beginning of the game. If you haven't, then let me say this: I have a problem with rolling cutscenes piling up at the beginning of a game, or at any point before the denouement for that matter. If you want to make a CGI movie, make a CGI movie. Don't try to build a video game around one, because you wind up with a shitty movie AND a shitty video game at the same time. To this day I have not been able to get more than 4 hours into .hack Infection, Star Ocean: Til the End of Time, or Final Fantasy XIII because they all share that problem (along with FFXIII's many other problems.)
Having said all that, I'm not totally against cutscenes. I'm against TOO MANY cutscenes. Sacred 2 had the perfect amount of cutscenes: intro movie, motherfucking sweet Blind Guardian video, outro movie. Everything else was handled in game, by me, the player, not you, Mr. I Take Fucking Two Hours To Restate What You Read On The Back Of The Box Because I Suck At Things.
Up Next: Jer Pigs VII (Part Two: Chapter Two: The End: Closureing-Finale of the Second Part)
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