Faith, Fire, and Facebook

I recently moved to Colorado, from the scenic, sweltering pressure cooker of the Texas Hill Country and it's endemic Good-Ole-Boyism, non-existent educational standards, and rampant superstition, bigotry and out-group hostility.

Colorado immediately burst into flames.

So the next time someone posts "Please pray for the people of Colorado," on your Facebook wall, instead of replying "Prayers sent!" or whatever inane, unhelpful mindless happy talk you're about to post to give yourself the feeling of a job well done without actually doing anything, check out this list of things you can do to help that don't rely on sitting on your ass and feeling good about yourself for no damn reason.

1. Educate Yourself

By cutting down all of the forests!

This isn't even the hard kind of education, like molecular biology or quantum physics or (for my Texas friends,) 5th Grade reading comprehension.

Fire, as many know, is spread by the devils of temptation in their rampant march through our children, corrupting them into tiny anti-christs engaging in all manner of evil behavior, including dresses shorter than floor length, sassing their elders, premarital kissing and, in extreme cases, concern for the well-being of those less fortunate than themselves.

In order to protect ourselves from our glorious and vengeful God, He has commanded us to remove all flammable materials within a five mile radius of any habitable structure. Just imagine how ordered and and simple and Godly a world would be without any unsightly trees or grass between you and Sunday School!

Donate To Firefighters

Fighting fires takes money. Instead of donating directly to the firefighters, who are always sad, disappointing humans wandering through traffic asking for handouts like common liberals, and nothing like the chiseled, homosexual models that adorn their PR calenders, give it to your favorite politician.

Assuming you're not a deviant sinner swayed by socialist lies, you'll realize that the best way to keep your fire department funded is by privatization.

That's right, Romney is an anagram of "R money" which is Texan for "Our money"! How could we possibly fail to succeed with a name like that attached to a rich, white guy, even if he is a filthy Mormon and will burn in the fires of Hell for all eternity for having slightly different silly, made-up beliefs than everyone else's silly, made-up beliefs?

Just think! Like our wonderful healthcare system, which ranks first in North American countries that aren't Canada, Mexico, or too small to care about, and only 37th in the world in terms of overall quality, a privatized fire department would be a positive money tree!

Just in case you were wondering, the United States Healthcare system IS number one in overall cost per capita! That's why you don't see doctors asking for handouts or having fundraisers: they know that God truly wants us to flourish as individuals at the expense of society at large!

And don't worry about the cost! As a good Christian, your house will be immune to God's righteous fire. Why, you could even have a barbeque on the charred remains of your neighbors, laughing at the idea of them hanging from meat-hooks being lowered into a lake of molten sulfur for all eternity for their sins of  questioning authority and constantly trying to use logic and facts to win arguments!

Make Yourself Available!

While some well-meaning but misguided secularists have been posting ads on Craigslist making their spare bedrooms and houses available to those unfortunate (wicked and deserving of punishment,) enough to be displaced by the fires, their efforts to help will ultimately be fruitless. They, having not heard our LORDS warning against the evils of the Internet, do not realize that, among other things, Craigslist allows homosexuals to post ads looking for other homosexuals for purposes of companionship. Just as a bad tree cannot produce good fruit, anything involving gays will ultimately be fruitless!


No, what a true Christian can and must do is visit these poor, lost souls in their government sanctioned holding pens and spread the Good News! They may be hungry, tired, angry, or sick from smoke inhalation or burns, but the important thing is that they should all have access to Scripture!

Toilet paper and bathroom reading in one!

The Holy Bible can serve so many purposes for these people! Provided it's a good, solid KJV with annotations, it can be used to club to death the rats they rely on for nutrition, and THEN used to cook the rats, and THEN used to cleanse themselves when they defecate the rat back out into a bucket! How good is our God to provide us with such a multi-purpose book?!

4. As a Last Resort

Seriously, making a Facebook prayer request is about the most fucking useless thing a human being could possibly do to help another human being. I've seen dozens of the fucking things on my wall and you know what? Not one of those people has called to ask if I need anything or if I'm okay.

I said it was almost the most useless thing one could do because responding to one of them is definitely the most useless thing ever. If you seriously believe that clicking the 'like' button, or posting 'healing vibes headed your way' could possibly affect anything in the real world, and then allow yourself a warm, fuzzy feeling for making that much of an effort then you're even worse than the internet slacktivists that spread that damn Kony 2012 video around for a week and then forgot about it forever.

You want to pray for someone? Fine. Go ahead. But don't make a big spectacle of it and attempt to emotionally blackmail your friends into joining you, you pretentious dick-knuckle. Pray, for whatever good it does (hint: none,) and then go do something fucking useful.

A 'Merican Dream

"Convictions are more dangerous foes of truth than lies."-F. Nietzsche

"People are fucking stupid."-anonymous

Ever since I was a young man I've dreamed of being a super-villain. The road has not been easy. I don't know how to build a Doomsday Cannon, I can't afford a secret lair, and I only have one henchman, and she moved to a different state to go to some bourgeoisie 'school.' So she could 'learn things,' and 'get a job.' Since my only super powers involve the ability to know exactly which toothpick someone is about to take out of a toothpick container and the power to make most people feel vaguely uncomfortable around me, I thought I would have to throw in the black, pentagram-encrusted towel.

So there I was, ready to throw the old spandex outerwear, cape and mask in the dumpster and apply for a job in telemarketing or the Motor Vehicle Department when the beginning of the cunningest of cunning schemes began to hatch in my mind. At exactly late 2007 or early 2008 a movement of utter destruction began in America. It combined all the classic elements of villainy: absolute unquestioning certainty that this lunacy was commanded by the gods, a level of self-centered monomaniacal contrariness that should be impossible for humans after the age of 13, and the unbreakable constitution that only the doomed cult member can possess. Combined with a hatred and fear of science and learning, a blatant and total rejection of  self-preservation, coherent communication, rational thought and basic humanity, it was truly a sight to behold.

Formless as a fog and pervasive as a pop song, it rose; casting off the fetters of knowledge, discourse, progress and civility that had bound it for so long. It was weaponized denialism. Striking with the mindless drive of the revolting mob and the clinical callousness of a corporate takeover, America didn't stand a chance. As the prophet said, evil had come to America wrapped in a flag and carrying a cross. It called itself Tea Party.

Historically, the Tea Party was an event in American History that involved Paul Revere and White Jesus sinking the British fleets by firing Thomas Jefferson's illegitimate children out of a cannon made out of the Liberty Bell while George Washington built the White House out of the bones of brown people on the day that Moses and John the Baptist copied the Bill of Rights out of the King James Bible. Fuck you, if politicians get to invent history, then so do I. The current Tea Party aims to... actually I have no idea what the current Tea Party's agenda is. Lower taxes on the rich? Being an easy target for stand up comedians?

Probably not this.

Whatever their ultimate goal is, it didn't take a genius to see that a force this unrelentingly insane could never sustain itself. I, however, am a genius and saw hope: how my Empire of Skulls could be built upon its blackened corpse. After systematically hamstringing and/or dismantling and/or corpse-raping central and local governments through sheer audacity of will, the Tea Party, along with everyone else that doesn't control the things that make a functioning society function, would soon be too concerned with animal level survival to continue its ideological rampage. 

In the near future, having intentionally cut the strings for their own safety net: their access to cheap food, clean water, dependable energy, education, affordable healthcare and gainful employment, the American people would no longer have the capacity to work together or stand up for their rights, and the country will degenerate into what I imagine will be called The Remember-When-This-Happened-In-That-Road-Warrior-Movie Future by the toothless, syphilitic scavengers of the American Wasteland. The only commoners spared from this future, of course, will be those able-bodied and quick-witted enough to be conscripted into the Armed Forces of The Theocracy Of the Unclosing Eye of Jesus.

The good news, at least for me, is that this will save me a HUGE amount of time and money and effort. Just think, I won't have to develop a super-virus to control the population if people not only can't afford to go to the doctor, but also sincerely believe that an imaginary father figure that lives in the sky will cure their child's infected wound if they only continue praying and not making any real fucking effort to learn how to grow penicillin. I won't have to spend decades slowly building a campaign to brainwash the masses into believing I'm an incarnate god sent to liberate them if the masses first convince themselves that anyone that can read or do math or check facts or work an internet is a communist witch that feeds on miscarriages and should be sacrificed accordingly. That's a society begging for a Nefarious and Evil God King.

From there it's a simple matter of training the ignorant, diseased, malnourished masses into a suicidally vicious army while keeping a much smaller cadre of the intelligent and useful back to help run things or to attack any problems that attacking doesn't fix. Like power grids or communication networks. 

The absolute best thing about controlling an army of ignorant, hostile, xenophobic barbarians is that, as a super-villain, I would be morally obligated to not care if they die; therefore I only have to worry about results as I ransack the strongholds of the former elite, regardless of the cost in human life. I'm already practicing my anti-affirmations in the mirror every day: repeating things like "A man that cherishes ignorance is not a man," and "There is no more noble death than to die serving the greater good."

So, with that I'll leave you to stockpile water and ammo for the day everything burns. But just so you know, you will never have enough.